I drank a box of wine for your sins

Boxed wine is the nightmarish ambrosia that fuels too many college bacchanals.

Though it tastes like the color red and sadness, boxed wine is the nouveau poor’s drink of choice because it is offensively cheap. And to be fair, I respect the hustle of the box, i.e. carrying wine in untraditional vessels.

can-of-wine

Because I’m committed to proving that cheap can be synonymous with “good,” I decided to give a (non-Franzia) boxed wine a shot.

Holy hell, was I wrong.

pinot-noir

House Wine’s Pinot Noir is 3 liters of regret. Though it’s supposed to have notes of “raspberries and earthy spices,” all I could taste was acid, grass, and painful childhood memories.

It took me three days to finally finish the box. Though I woke up each morning with acid reflux and remorse, I knew I had to see this challenge through to warn you, dear reader, of my folly.

Though I still have hope for other boxed wine, I won’t drink this one again. If you’re still considering House Wine Pinot Noir because it’s cheap, here are some more palatable things you can drink instead:

  • Ketchup packets
  • Three sheets of loose leaf paper, soaked in Lemon Pledge
  • Spiders

You can (but should not) purchase House Wine on Amazon for ($21.99).

 

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