The white wine all haters will love

 

long-meadow

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: I hate white wine.

It took me nearly 24 years to tolerate the watery slither of most whites. Recently, I waxed poetic about Woop Woop Chardonnay, which is one of the first white wines I can honestly say I would spend human dollars on.

I always assumed white wine was for Hamptons moms to chase their Xanax. But last week, I FINALLY SAW THE LIGHT, and now I’m a believer.

Long Meadow Ranch 2015 Sauvignon Blanc is a national treasure. It took me about two weeks to get the bottles from Napa, but trust me, this wine is worth the wait.

This Sauvignon Blanc is exceptionally light and refreshing. I have yet to try a wine with more delicious peach and citrus notes.

In short, it’s the summer in a bottle you can enjoy all year long.

This wine is a bit of a splurge (~$22), but consider it an investment in your happiness. One day, as your old, bitter ass sits awaiting the sweet embrace of death, you will remember this wine and look back fondly on the experience.

You can order Long Meadow Ranch 2015 Sauvignon Blanc online. Check out the rest of their wines here.

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I drank a box of wine for your sins

Boxed wine is the nightmarish ambrosia that fuels too many college bacchanals.

Though it tastes like the color red and sadness, boxed wine is the nouveau poor’s drink of choice because it is offensively cheap. And to be fair, I respect the hustle of the box, i.e. carrying wine in untraditional vessels.

can-of-wine

Because I’m committed to proving that cheap can be synonymous with “good,” I decided to give a (non-Franzia) boxed wine a shot.

Holy hell, was I wrong.

pinot-noir

House Wine’s Pinot Noir is 3 liters of regret. Though it’s supposed to have notes of “raspberries and earthy spices,” all I could taste was acid, grass, and painful childhood memories.

It took me three days to finally finish the box. Though I woke up each morning with acid reflux and remorse, I knew I had to see this challenge through to warn you, dear reader, of my folly.

Though I still have hope for other boxed wine, I won’t drink this one again. If you’re still considering House Wine Pinot Noir because it’s cheap, here are some more palatable things you can drink instead:

  • Ketchup packets
  • Three sheets of loose leaf paper, soaked in Lemon Pledge
  • Spiders

You can (but should not) purchase House Wine on Amazon for ($21.99).

 

A treat for your face hole: Wolffer Rosé

rose-table-wine

If drinking rosé were a sport, I’d be in the fucking Olympics.

My Hamptons-born-and-bred heart loves many pink wines, but one rises above the rest. The Wölffer Estate Rosé Table Wine is the most phenomenal rosé MINE LIPS HATH EVER TASTED, and there’s not even a close second.

There’s a reason this rosé is a perennial favorite: its light, peach-pear notes make it a perfect companion for brunch, dinner, snacks, second dinner, whatever. Its subtle, dry finish is the perfect punctuation for this Hamptons classic.

Though you can (and should) certainly enjoy this wine year-round, I cherish the ritual of buying my first bottle every Memorial Day Weekend. But with the earth heating up at a catastrophic rate, you’ll be able to cool off with this rosé well into winter!

While this rosé is a bit of a splurge ($14-$21), it’s totally worth it. You can snoop around for some deals on Snooth or snag it on Wölffer’s website.

Drink this, you cheap fuck: Woop Woop Chardonnay

woop-woop-chardonnay

 

GODDAMN do I hate white wine.

A few weeks ago, I spit out an allegedly fancy Riesling in front of allegedly fancy people. It tasted like sour dirt, and I would not pour it on the graves of my enemies.

Soon after that encounter, I forced myself to sample some Chardonnay at my local wine shop. I was immediately intrigued by its name, “Woop Woop,” which sounds like a drunk juggalo.

But the taste is *Italian chef doing kissy noise.*

This medium-bodied, South Australian treat is offensively smooth, with subtle peach notes that make it damn hard not to love. Because it’s unoaked, this chardonnay is light and flexible in terms of what it pairs well with, but I recommend trying it with salmon or cheese-based dishes.

If you’re like me, you’ll probably just pair it with more wine.

Woop Woop is drinkable to a fault: Go easy with this, as you’ll quickly forget it’s 13% ABV.

Did I mention you can get it for less than $13? Check out Wine Searcher, Snooth, or Wine.com for prices and availability.

Drink this, you cheap fuck: Jam Jar

jam-jar

During Hurricane Sandy, I drank Jam Jar in the dark to keep myself from going “The Shining” on my friends — it was almost successful!

This South African wine tastes like your best childhood birthday memories. Its blackberry, raspberry jelly notes are the closest you’ll get to reliving your most unencumbered years.

Even if you’re not in love with fruity wines, this adult Juicy Juice will definitely change your mind. It pairs well with everything, from a 2am dollar slice to a homemade arrabbiata sauce.

I love Jam Jar not only because it prevented me from going Tom Hanks in “Castaway,” but because it’s a wine that knows exactly what it is. It doesn’t pretend to be fancy, esoteric, or even good (though it totally is). It’s sweet, straightforward, and guaranteed to do its job, i.e. get you seriously drunk.

No, seriously. You’re going to forget this is 13% ABV.

The best part? It runs from $7 to $10, making it a perfect last-minute gift or party offering. You can buy it on Amazon, Wine.com, or IRL using Jam Jar’s store locator.

Be sure to cop some Pedialyte, because you’re definitely going to get a hangover from this.